The Work Needs Doing

Hi.

The Work Needs Doing

So, the world is sort of “on fire”, and all that that shows me is that there is still so much work to do. In so many literal and metaphorical areas.

Most of the work that needs to be done has the same solution. This is because most of the trouble, many of the challenges we experience come from the same source. And that is not the subject of this piece. Another day.

In this post, I want to talk about the consequences that come when we ignore, condone, permit, support, tolerate, inflate, and/or reward the ones who keep lighting, and feeding the fires. And, while many of you may think you know who I’m talking about, just wait. This one might be closer to home than it seems.

To begin. A few general questions that are worth asking.

Why are women, this includes folks functioning in traditionally feminine roles, in the 21st century still expected to work harder, be more, do more, accommodate more, accept more, tolerate more, adapt more than their “traditionally” male partner does?

Why do I see so much of the behaviour that fuels what women are made, forced to accept, accommodate, tolerate in this new “alpha” generation of boys?

How is this generation of “alpha” boys still learning that violence is an OK thing? How is it that boys are still being taught to use violence in their intimate relationships? How is it that boys are still being taught that males don’t need emotions, or at least not very deep ones? How is it that girls, women, others are forced to accept a pissy, resentful, insincere, ”I’M Sorry!” as enough? At least till it happens again.

Because, it will happen again. Pause and repeat. Or, we could all start making different choices.

This is not “just an opinion” either.

Just look at the national stats on relational, gender, and racial violence. And that is not what this piece is about, either. Still, when we talk about this kind of violence, don’t forget to look at who’s really throwing the punches here.

Moving on. The Work. The human work.

If the guys, the “men”, in your reality, wherever you come to rest on the rainbow, won’t do or even consider doing, the work, that’s information. Remember, information is neutral.

Information stops being neutral when we use it.

Now, honestly ask yourself what makes their “free pass” on being human OK with/for you?

Because, when we unfold the origami of the man box, that is exactly what is happening when the rest of us keep “accepting” the truly lame excuses guys the world over are still using to dodge being an “emotional Man”.

For real. They get A FREE PASS on being human. And, it is simply not how humans are built. If it was we would all be Borg and there would be no point in talking about any of this. Because, it truly would not matter.

For me, I’m glad we’re not. I like having my emotional self available for the challenges of life. It is what allows me to build and maintain a 30 year relationship with  my partner. It is what allows me to deeply know me.

To actually know what matters to me, and why it matters to me. And, equally valuable, to know what doesn’t matter to me, and the “why” behind that awareness. That self knowledge comes from a deep and evolving connection to ALL the soft, squishy stuff that many individuals in my gender view as unnecessary, and, actually, most partners want to receive.

The built in, “hard wired” systems of attachment and relationship are very old, ancient in fact. It was not our ability to aggress or kill that allowed us to survive and thrive into current times. It is exactly what is killing us all now, but it is not how we are built. What got us here is our ability to connect and unite and join. Also, well worth considering in the context of, both the larger and smaller conversation, most of the “higher” life forms on the planet share that wiring, just sayin’.

Moving on. When those systems were developing in our ancient interwoven biosphere, our physical abilities to hunt, farm and gather were undeniably important. And, they were not what allowed us to survive, thrive and evolve. From what we can gather from Indigenous cultures, outside of times of famine, there was a LOT of down time. Clearly, it was not full of killing. We probably wouldn’t be here anymore if it was.

Thus, artisans, crafters, healers, dancers, singers, drummers, knowledge keepers of ALL kinds, orators, leaders, parents, elders, treaty negotiators and conflict resolvers, traders, peace makers and explorers, and the rest of the stuff that makes up the variety of being human in a human community. The thing that all of this stuff shares/requires is that folks be relationally “dialed in”, so to speak.

When we look at it, not being relationally “dialed in” is actually anti survival and anti evolution. In the ancient world an emotionally disconnected adult, incapable of empathy and lacking an ability to be in a trust based relationship or community with others would be a threat to that relationship and the community it exists in. And that individual, or group would be treated accordingly.

 A child in that community would be healed and loved back to wholeness. A child in that community would be taught how to carry that intrinsic knowledge of connection, that wisdom of wholeness, into the future and share it with the community for the growth and betterment of the community and the folks who live within it.

So, it is not that guys “can’t’ do it. It’s not that guys aren’t “built” for it. When we actually look around it seems, in my perception, to be more of a, guys “won’t” do it, thing.

For all intents and purposes, being relationally “dialed in” is a facet of being  human. When we don’t experience it humans wither and die. Look at the research on Attachment. And, unless we really are the “suicidal race”, emotional disconnection, the inability to care, would not, could not, evolve out of our wired in human survival systems.

One would think, maybe feel, that relationally connected males would be an essential for survival. Not just as a “hunter”, also as a partner, parent, knowledge keeper, teacher, leader, artisan, whatever the vehicle of meaning making was for them. Positive, growth oriented (think plants), trust based relational connection is also one of the most important vehicles for creating and sustaining meaning in our lives, relationships and communities. Communities all over the world were doing it really well, for a very long time.

That is until white, European Christians showed up and killed every one who didn’t “bend the knee” or “kiss the ring”

So, guys, and EVERY ONE ELSE for that matter, really need to hear this. At the end of the day, it’s not a “can’t”, it’s a “won’t”. Intentionally clinging to entitlement and power, especially the undeserved kind, is always a “won’t”. Remember, it is only the entitled who believe that equity is oppression.

So, I was born in 1963. What I grew up with as common knowledge, in regards to patriarchy, toxic masculinity and the “free pass” is nothing like what is common knowledge in the 1st quarter of the 21st century, here on Turtle Island. And still?

In that time, by and large, most of the really questionable ideas, beliefs and ass-umptions that supported and sustained patriarchy, toxic masculinity, and the “free pass” for staying a boy in the last gasp of the 20th century have been discredited. And yet, here we are. Again. Maybe still.

A few more questions.

Why aren’t ALL 21st century dads teaching their kids, regardless of gender, orientation, pronouns that the free pass for guys is over?

Why aren’t dads doing the work of leading by example?

Why aren’t ALL dads teaching their kids that over half of the SPECIES not counting, doesn’t fly?

Why aren’t ALL dads showing their sons how to be good men by being good men?

Why aren’t ALL dads leading by example?

Why aren’t ALL dads teaching ALL of their children how to be a good person, by BEING a good person?

Why are so many women still working to change something that doesn’t want to change?

Why are so many women still being forced to mother their partner to get shit done?

Why do so many women still fear at least one man in their lives.

And!

How is not changing this stuff even OK in the 21st century?

I know the reason. Do you? Are you brave enough to step into this particular room? “Cause, if you are, great? If not, better jump now, you might not like the rest of the trip.

Here we go.

All dads aren’t doing it, because, quite simply, they don’t have to. Some are. Not ALL.

The women, the care givers, the nurturers, the hearth keepers, the healers, the guardians, in fact everyone else, will pick up the slack. That is the best part of the “free pass”. That is what makes it so appealing.

Someone else, someone who didn’t even make the mess does ALL the work to clean it up, and the boys “feel” oppressed, infringed upon, or labelled. Isn’t it interesting that so many guys can access these really complex emotional states of outrage and not be “able” to access the squishy stuff?

The fact of this is, the entitled are the only ones afraid of equality.

Ignorance is no longer an effective excuse for allowing stupid to continue. There is no male living in the northern hemisphere who has not encountered exactly what I’m talking about. Claiming ignorance in the face of the info is a choice remember. And what we choose is also info.

Denial in this context, is a lie used to defend a lie. When patriarchy and toxic masculinity are involved, it is rarely anything else.

Violence of any kind is not the right tool for any job. It has no place on the spectrum of healthy and human. Violence evokes fear in all beings. Fear does not make folks cooperative. It makes them compliant. Not the same thing, at all.

Peace through fire power is a freaking myth folks. Despite what we see happening in the world around us, do we honestly, collectively believe that Who can kill something more than the next guy is the right base line for being human? Just askin’?

Every “talk show” type thing of the last 40 years, regardless of the media source, has done at least one episode on the damage done to most folks by keeping patriarchy and toxic masculinity alive. Some have attempted to minimize, ignore or evade the damage. Some are even attempting to deny the damage entirely by blaming their victims.

Remember, ridicule and sarcasm are both aspects of verbal violence. Why do we reward attack humour from guys and condemn “attack humour” from women? My mom taught me a long time ago that it’s the truth of a thing that can sting the most. Why is it totally OK when guys “punch down”, and not OK when women punch up?

Most of the subject matter in the talk shows, podcasts, documentaries, movies, TV, whatever your particular poison, has been around the suggestion, belief, or proven fact that guys should stop fucking with everyone and everything else. Like NOW-ish.

Maybe grow up some, put down the stolen entitlement and the defensive grandiosity. Stop being a bystander. Maybe? Patriarchy was a bad idea when it was forced on folks several thousand years ago. Patriarchy, toxic masculinity, and white supremacy were ALL bad ideas when European Christians initially tried exporting the ideas to the rest of the world. That’s why, in the end, we had to force ”the bad ideas” on the rest of the world several hundred years ago. It is still a bad idea today. And some folks just won’t let it go.

I know this because I see the boot print everywhere, I hear the stomp of it everywhere. I experience it in the world, in my own family and friends, with my clients and their families and friends. And what I see in them is the burden, the sadness, suffering and sorrow that comes when the most essential element of change in any direction CHOOSES to be either, part of the problem, or, worse in my opinion, a fucking bystander.

I am not a bystander. My dad taught me how to be a good, loving, responsive, responsible man. From him I learned integrity and the strength of knowing/acting in line with what matters most. From him I learned how to tend a scraped knee or a scraped heart with love and the tenderness of shared pain. From him I learned the value of stepping up and stepping in. He didn’t always get it right. My siblings and I were a bit of a handful most days and Dad was born in 1926. Still managed to teach me that respect and trust are earned. He also taught me that not all the folks who insist on being respected and trusted should be. “Follow the money, kiddo.”

I am not a bystander. My mother also taught me how to be a good, loving, responsible man. From her I learned how to cook, sew, garden, change diapers, feed babies, mend hearts (she didn’t do knees), to be a guardian, a hearth keeper. From her I learned the power and resilience that can come from true faith.

From my mother and my father I learned to be a whole person. I haven’t always got it right. Not everything they taught me was a fit for me. And, part of what they taught me was how to choose well, with thought and feeling and wisdom, exactly what being fully human means to me.

So, I do the work. I share what I know, what I’ve learned, the stuff that actually works to create and sustain change, and weed out the stuff that needs to go. Wherever I find it. My own head and heart first of all. And, often, it looks/feels like I am one of a very small group of deeply committed guys fighting the tide of patriarchy and entitled, toxic masculinity while most of the other guys are just fucking bystanders. Or worse, part of the problem.

Don’t misunderstand, please. I know that there are good guys out there doing really important work to reduce the damage. I also know that it is mostly women, folks of colour, outliers and other marginalized folks doing most of the work. Just like always. And, IT IS NOT THEIR JOB!! BECAUSE, the damage being done, IS NOT THEIR FAULT. It never was their job or their fault.

The ones doing the work to fix this stuff are not the ones who broke it. They are not the ones who benefit from the damage done. The ones paying the price should not be the ones we expect to fix it. But that is just as it has always been. Boot prints.

Most of us, most guys that is, look like we’re OK with that. Human actions are fueled by human attention. Our actions are clear indicators of our beliefs. What we believe comes from where we put our attention. Look at where guys, constantly claiming “adult privilege”, are ENABLED to put their attention. Look at who is doing all the accommodating for the “free pass”. And then take a look at where the boys are still not putting their attention.

Choosing to be a bystander when you might be part of the problem comes from privilege. CHOOSING to be a bystander when “stepping in and stepping up” is so easy and SO safe for white males can only come from privilege.

So, guys. This question is for every male in the room.

What do you condone, accept, allow, expect, permit; in your job, in yourself, your partners, your friends, your birth and chosen families, your community, your leaders by claiming, choosing, to be a bystander? Especially in places where you know you shouldn’t be a bystander?

What are you really doing, what are you really saying about your self and the world you are creating when you, the one with most of the power, keeps insisting that you have no power? Are you really as powerless as you claim? Look around. Just who is making the decisions here?

Consider for a moment, what would change if all the “boy” bystanders wasting their time staying boys chose to step up and step in for a single, shared belief in a better world.

What would that shared belief, unified course of action, common principle look like?

Well, it would look something like this this.

All of the boys; the ones pretending to be boys in adult bodies with adult privilege, the ones who seem to think the world is a gaming platform, the ones making other folks adjust upwards so they don’t have to adjust downwards, the ones who use ”I love you” as a line, the ones who keep weaponizing their intentional incompetence at being fully human, the ones who label being a parent as babysitting, the ones who still insist that “she got pregnant”, or that “she didn’t say no”, or whatever victim blaming fits the situation, the ones who insist that half alive, half human is good enough just fucking stop. Now.

You and your shitty behaviour are the problem. AND YOU AND YOUR BYSTANDER BUDDIES BLOODY WELL KNOW IT!!! Yes, I’m pointing a finger at you. And you ALL know which one.

It is kind of impossible for anyone, in this day of global information, to claim that they don’t know what is going on. Equally impossible to claim they don’t know what to do about it, either. Most of the northern hemisphere is experiencing the same stuff with the same culprits doing the harm.

It’s not the women, or the children, or the brown folks that make up the GLOBAL MAJORITY that are the problem. It is not the planet, or anything living within the biosphere that is the problem. It’s not the coal, the oil, the gas, or the uranium for that matter, that is the prob. It’s just not about them. Or that. At all.

It is just you. You, and your crew of woke and empowered bystanders. You, and your petty power politics defending, protecting, even glorifying a dead and rotting mythology. You, and your vicarious little games and your vicarious little sports and your ridiculous trucks and SUVs.

You, and your selfish, childish toys, and your selfish, childish games. Still pointing that finger at you.

So, please. For all the women, all the kids, all the folks forced to carry your freight, all the partners you expect to clean up after you, all the folks who willingly do the jobs you won’t, all the folks who will NOT swallow the koolaid you and your crew keep forcing on us, for all the men just trying to be better partners, dads, friends, lovers, for ALL THE REST OF US.

Just stop. Stop fighting change. Stop resisting diversity. Stop attacking equality. Stop saying, “not my problem, fault, responsibility.”, ‘specially when it is. Stop believing your stolen, unearned status, power and privilege is anything but stolen. Stop hurting the world with your chosen stupid.

In the 21st century power does not fall randomly from the sky, landing where it will. Power does not come from the gods or divine birth. Doesn’t even really come from the barrel of a gun. Because violence is not power. Gandhi proved that. Because compliance is not acceptance, approval, or agreement. It is fear through force. And fear can be conquered. If we so choose.

Fully human or half alive? Choose and go earn the stuff you insist you are owed. Stop staying a child. Go be a partner, a parent, a friend, a human. You might like it.

Don’t get defensive. Don’t get aggressive. The “boys” and their claims to fame don’t have a leg to stand on. If you don’t like what I’m saying here, don’t waste time getting pissy. Grow some stones and do the job.

Prove me wrong by stepping up and stepping in and seeing what happens. You might be surprised at the outcomes.

For all of us, stop it and grow the hell up.